I want to keep a captains log. Day by day. If at times, hour by hour. Many sleepless nights are around the corner. Words will be said. Emotions will run high. There will be anger, as well as disappointment. Shame. Quite possibly even disgust. At what cost though? To some people 'peace of mind' happens to be a very high commodity. Not many people have it, and those that supposedly claim they do, only base that off of what they think peace of mind should be.
I toss and turn as impending doom, as i like to call it, nears. I say impending because I know and I understand that its only because of my egotistical and headstrong behavior that I'm in this situation. I wont say what i did, reader, but i will say that of all the things Ive done in my life, this is the one that i really truly wish i could go back in time to change. A very close friend of mine made the remark that god has different ways of working everyone's mind and conscience to open their eyes to the truth. Sometimes its a brutal truth, sometimes it could be more of a 'Eureka' moment. His point was that if if by some chance I could go back in time to change my actions, would I still have gotten the punchline. Would I still understand what god has chosen for me to straighten out every kink in my relationship with him? This put me in a deep thought. My mother would always make a little remark when we were little and she suspected us of lying. "God always has ways of making the truth come out", she would say.
But what if its not just the crime he wants to hear, but of how I feel and what makes me tick? I might be missing the big picture. Yes, crime committed. But what if its not only that? Something I'm overlooking, and maybe have been overlooking. At least this is what my heart is telling me.
Ive been wrong before, you know.
No comments:
Post a Comment