Only Dreams Last Forever

Brief intro: This started as a simple feedback project and turned into a great two-sided story of the last moments we have in life

A collaboration done by Nerdy Nini and Myself.
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My body laid there, still skeleton with broken hopes. My dreams were taken n my love was forever unmentioned. Thoughts danced in my mind, raced, showing moments of laughter. Would you remember me? Would you dream of me? Pain shoots through my body, skin so delicate. I turn my head and see you there, staring at me like you were yesterday. My hands reach for you but you fade...I wished he wasn't drunk. I wished I wouldn’t have changed lanes. Should I say goodbye? Can I be healed? Can I be saved?

Call in the night. Shattering the peace. The one you love. She lays lifeless and cold. Fading quickly. Racing to her. Thoughts of us. The night before… her warmth as she lay next to me. Her smile and her laugh. Soft lips and her kiss…flashing lights and panic. Twisted metal and smoke. Blood and tears. Fearing the worst. She doesn't make a sound. Eyes still shining bright. Life leaving her quickly. I reach for her hand, soaked in blood.  Last words leaving her lips.
 “Im sorry darling…I never meant for this to happen.” “Not to worry love, you’re gonna be OK… Everything’s gonna be fine…”
A kiss on the lips. A gaze into her eyes…Can she be saved?…Can she be healed?

He tried to be positive, but i could see the horror in his eyes…I was numb and could not feel the thorns of glass piercing my skin, or the steering wheel in my knees. Yet I could feel his touch and I got to see his shaky smile and that was good enough for me.
“Death seeks me love, you have to let me go, I lo….”
Those were my words before I too faded. This is how I spent my last moments, this day was my last. I got to see him one more time before my life passed. I was healed and saved by you.

My porcelain doll. Torn and broken. Tears rolling down her cheek. Shaking and scared in the cold. The darkness begins to choke out the light. My everything is leaving me. The color is fading from her skin. Her eyes don't shine anymore. Her lips quiver with her last breath. She smiles one last time. She whispers that its her time.
  “…I have to go now…” 
Then she fell silent as those three words left her lips. I remember that night, when the snow flakes began to fall. Just as they fall now, following her into the ground. The cold chokes my words. So I whisper back to her…
" …I love you too."

We live another day. We fight another war.

One of my favorite movies is Ocean's 11. Both the 60's version, and the 2000's version. Class. Swagger. Etiquette. Gentlemanly warfare. I learned how to make a martini watching the Rat Pack rendition.

The final scene with all members of Ocean's 11 in front of the infamous Bellagio fountain always gets me. 'Clair de Lune' is playing in the background. As each member leaves the camera pans around as each face gives a smile or head nod to the next guy in a way as to say "Til next time" or "Here's to life".

The bond between friends should be unbreakable. No matter what life brings and takes, real friends never leave. Good or bad. Understanding. Compassionate. Honest. Willing to lie to you to spare your feelings, but also knowing when to be as blunt and straight forward as necessary, much like Brad Pitt and George Clooney's characters. I'll continue on my search for these friends. Not to replace the ones I have now, but to increase the number.

Lets say, I dont know, to at least 10 of them...

I wish you the best...

Its always after the fact that you come up with the things you should’ve said but couldn’t think of. After you send the text, after you hang up the phone, after you walk away for the last time. You try to say everything that’s on your mind, but some you cant think of, and some you just choose not to say. Goodbyes are never easy, that’s why everyone avoids them. Its then and only then that everything you see, everything you touch and everything you do reminds you of that person. That’s when you feel empty and vacant. Doesn’t matter if its a friend, lover, family member, or someone of great importance to you. They have a special place in you and when they aren’t there, you know it and you most certainly feel it.

Yea, it stings, and its going to for some time. But everyone recovers eventually, the same way a wound heals. Sometimes with a noticeable scar, or best case, with an almost invisible mark on your skin. What do I make of this? I don’t mind a scar as long as I can take something from it, be it a lesson or a memory. As long as I know and understand why its there.

“If you love something or someone, let it go…” something like that, right? I cant remember the last part. This wasn’t a time for me to be selfish even though in the bottom of my heart I wanted to be. I didn’t want to let go. But what if holding on is hurting someone you care deeply about? This entire time I was oblivious to the fact, thinking I was providing some sort of stress relief when in reality I was unknowingly causing part of said stress. So, what would you do?

The ‘what-if’ question was never answered. It never took flight. But the possibility plays on an infinite loop in my head, which of course makes me sad since mental projections is all that’s left. Its depressing, but no where does it say ‘If you try hard enough, it WILL happen’. Its part of life. You win some, you lose some. I hate losing, but it makes you stronger over time. Unfortunately, the feeling of affection wasn’t a unanimous one. You dust yourself off, tip your hat, and start learning to walk again. So even as soon as now, the healing process begins.

One by one, the feelings of sadness will eventually fade. You say you’ll never forget, but you will. That’s how the mind works. It tries to force out the sadness and overcome it with happiness. The thing is, happiness becomes the ‘Holy Grail’ after a spell of sadness. Another guy or girl will come around, and the cycle will begin again. You say you’ll still be friends, but that’s a rare case that almost never happens. But why would you want to be friends after? So you can sit back and watch the person you felt strongly for eventually find happiness with someone that isn’t you? Its the salt in wound. The insult to injury. Once you cross that line, there’s no turning back. Foolish are those who cross that line recklessly. But, to be honest, you made me feel untouchable. Invincible. The danger. Its what I wanted. And that’s why we both kept coming back.

We cant predict or foretell the future. We cant control it. We cant change it. It happens the way it does for a reason. I would like to entertain the notion of ‘maybe after some time passes, then we can try again’, but people change with the times. Nothing is guaranteed. All it becomes after that is a lie to oneself.

“And if it comes back to you, then it was meant to be.” So they say. Time will tell.

I’m not bitter about the outcome. Bitterness can quickly consume a person and turn them against the world. I’m not upset either. Simply…sad. And that’s more then I can handle at the moment. I’m already trying to block out the image of you in someone else’s arms. Happy and enjoying life. But then again, if you’re happy and content without me in the picture, then I’ll gladly step out of the way.

Tomorrow will come, and sun will keep shining. Even though in my mind, I’ll still hold on to the thought of ‘Its not over. It cant be over. Not yet…’, I know I’ll still wake up in the morning and carry on with my routine. Maybe with a little less bounce in my step, but life will go on no matter. I’m going to miss everything about you, but we’ll both forget about it only to occasionally think back to those times when we hear a song, or a phrase. You’ll smile every time you see a car that looks like mine. I’ll laugh at a story you once told me. You’ll remember the fun we would have. I’ll remember the random things you would do. You’ll giggle at my English accent. I’ll replay when you sang to me.

For a split second, we’ll miss each other…

…and then we’ll snap out of it, get back to our lives and realize that things happen for a reason…

…but it was fun while it lasted.

I wish you the best…

Goodbye, Love.

Life doesnt always move as fast as you do.

Back from the dead...

The original post I had didn’t make any sense, so I’m gonna post a Skype conversation. Everyone loves chisme…

“So that it?”

“Yep.”

“All the details?”

“All of them.”

“Wow.”

“Yea…tell me about it.”

“So what are you gonna do?”

“What else can I do? Gonna have to tough it out.”

 

“Are you serious?“

“About what?”

“All of it. You’re just gonna sit there?”

“You have any better ideas?”

“Well, no…It just seems so…vague. So lacking in every area. And somehow that’s enough to tie you down.” 

“Enough to make me want to know more.”

“Yea. That. That’s unlike you.”

“How?”

“In every way. You’ve never held out like that. You’re impatient, you flip everyone off and leave out the back door when you don’t get what you want…I need to meet this girl. See what the big hype is. I know, I know…you told me everything already. But still, what makes this girl so special that its making you act weird? This is my point. I thought you were just being retarded just for the sake of being retarded. But then I find out that its cause of a girl. So I said to myself “oh OK, that makes sense”, but now its gone back to not making sense. Its just…unlike you.”

“(Laughter) Well, like I said. It was a blitz. Unexpected. Partially, that’s what made it fun and interesting. Then as the days went on, I wanted to know more. This is the thing, I sling around a lot of crap when I talk. Right? Would you agree?”

“I would. Whole-heartedly.”

“Douche…OK, well she is the first to not take it. The first to actually say “I don’t care”. She makes her own decisions. If she likes something, she likes it. If not, then she doesn’t.”

“Is it a 24/7 thing?”

“No. She has her sweet side too. But I like when she puts up a fight. I like her aggressive side. Plus, that way I don’t have to worry about saying the wrong thing and not knowing it, cause I’m sure she’d tell me right away.”

“Well yea, that’s good.”

“She can punch too.”

“As in?”

“As in punch. With her fist.”

“What?! Did you box her or something?!”

“(Laughter) No. Not yet. I have yet to cross that one off the list.

“All BS’ing aside, she is unlike all the other girls you’ve dated or been interested in.”

“Ive thought about that. Maybe I was looking in the wrong places before. Looking for the wrong girl.”

“If what you’ve told me has painted a correct version of this girl in my head, then basically what you’re saying is that you like feisty girls…”

“…Girl. Singular.”

“OK…girl. You like this girl because shes feisty and aggressive.”

“That is a correct assessment.”

“Hmm…”

“What?”

“Unlike you.”

“Look, at the end of the day, I’m either gonna get severely burned, or end up in the perfect relationship.”

“Well, that’s how every relationship goes.”

“True, but I cant help but feel so sure about it.”

“Yea you’re gonna get burned.”

“No faith? No hope?”

“Not right now. You’re setting yourself up, not for heartbreak, but for a stroke.”

“Man, really…come on…”

“Ok, this is why…cause you mentioned already how sure you were, or at least how sure you felt. But not once have you mentioned how sure she was. I just don’t want you chasing after something you wont be able to control. You’ve been in relationships before, you know how they work. Nothing is guaranteed. Don’t make a move, don’t say a word, don’t feel anything until you know what you’re getting into.”

 

“Don’t talk to me like you’re my dad.”

“Well apparently I have to. I just dropped something on you that you haven’t thought enough about. Look at you know. You look like you just saw a ghost. That’s what happens. Jesus, what would you do without me?”

“Chill, I’ve thought about it.”

“And then?”

“Not enough time has passed.”

“Its not so much about time at this point, as it is how much you and her have gone through and talked about.”

…man I hear everything you’re telling me. But I’m not giving up. I’m not letting it go. You’ve known me long enough to know I don’t give up easily. Its not over.”

“When it comes to soccer, yes I know this. When it comes to emotion and feeling?… Let me ask you this…you mentioned the walls she’s built over time.”

“Yea.”

“You said you got through them.”

“I did.”

“But did you break them down?”

“Well, no.”

“How can you run off with the girl if you cant get over the walls? She put them there for a reason.”

“To protect herself.”

“Right. They’re not there just to be there. She’s scarred. How sure are you that you can be the one to ease her pain? You cant remove scars. Sounds like she has plenty of them.”

“I need time.”

“Then what? That doesn’t guarantee you’ll be the guy she wants at the end of the day.”

“Then why would this be happening to me and not some other guy? What did I do that was special or interesting enough to get her attention? She’s funny and smart, not to mention attractive. That gives her the golden ticket to any guy she wants. Why me?”

“Only she can answer that question. So Romeo, get the answers first, then make your move. Not the other way around. I wouldn’t want you to give up. Sounds like it has the potential to be something special since she’s on your mind enough to make you lose sleep. But you have to act smart. If relationships were like soccer games, I wouldn’t doubt you for a second. But the female mind and way of acting is like technology in way. It never stops evolving. We as guys can never decipher it completely. We can get close, but we’ll never have all the answers. Above all, give her some time and space. You’ve heard the saying…”

“Yea…”

“Give her enough room to breathe and dance around a little bit. I’ll be honest with you…Ive fallen into a relationship where the girl just wanted a distraction, not a relationship. Not saying this girl will do that to you, but I’m not saying it couldn’t happen.”

“I could be her distraction?”

“If a lot is going on in her life right now, then yes. You could be the temporary escape for her. When she calms down, she might not need you. Don’t get scared, I’m just showing you what the reality of the relationship you have with her could be. Either way, it sounds like she has a lot of questions and thoughts running loose in her mind. Back off and give her time to figure herself out. Maybe then she might realize one of two things…either that you were a mistake or that you were the best thing to happen to her.“

“…Well, I’ll tell you what I’m not gonna do tonight.”

“What?”

“Get hammered.”

“OK…that’s a start…which is good, because you have 2 units of french due.”

“…Good talk…”

“Good talk.”

June 13, 1945 - St. Petersburg, Russia

12.15pm.
Northwest Wind 2-3 Knots
Temp: 48F

Today was an unusual day. Normally here in the square at this time, the streets are silent and dead. The only noise that breaks the silence is the occasional passing of tanks, followed by foot soldiers. But today, people are present, civilians and soldiers alike. As if no war exists today. A small solace has been bought. A temporary peace and quiet. Hassan, my Muslim comrade, has helped me make a better understanding of his faith. Right now though, it seems, he has put it all on the line since he is fighting in a battle that according to him, or better yet, Allah, has not commissioned him to take part in. Now I think he runs on fear. Not fear of death or of battle, much less fear of the unknown. No, he runs on a fear of his family's future. He has not seen them in 3 years, and desperately wants this war to end so he can see them again.

Even grown men weep here. No one is safe from the threat of emotional catastrophe. Allied or Axis. Fascist or Nazi. Foreign or Domestic. It almost runs like a plague. Morale is what keeps us alive, although it seems that even that is dwindling down to nothing. I find myself day dreaming or losing myself in thought more often now. Even the simple thought of playing cricket with little Kazan, my nephew, puts me into a lull and even gives me a chuckle.

I admire my squadron commander. He is a silent but strong man. Only speaks when necessary. I'm only 22, but one day I hope to be like that man. One day.

~

Tomorrow is my D-Day. My beach at Normandy. Do or die. A friend made reference to tomorrow being the day that I'm honorably or dishonorably discharged. I told him that I'm sick and tired of him making reference to everything I do in some sort of military jargon. But he means well. I think.

So it is. I use this phrase a lot. Sometimes with meaning, most of the time just because it sounds mysterious. But tomorrow, that will be my signing off. Whatever the Creator brings, whether it be a spiritual time-out in my room, or a spiritual "bent over the leg" butt whoopin' with a 2 week grounding and not being able to go see my friend Bobby, I will take it for what it is and for what its worth. I think the biggest obstacles of this process are done and dealt with. Now the only thing lacking is to receive my commission or marching orders and git to getting it done.

I'm nervous right now, but quite honestly, I'm more nervous in an anxious way. Like the way you get nervous and excited the night before going on vacation and you cant sleep. My parents and friends have been supportive. They all say the same thing: whatever gets you back on track. Like I stated earlier, the steps are done. Ive done it by the books. Now its time to see if I get community service or time in the penitentiary.

What I'm sure of, regardless of the consequences, is that I'll return to the ranks eventually. I cant label a time or day, but eventually it will happen. What Ive learned and seen isn't something that's easily forgotten. The world has nothing for me, nothing of value. Its akin to getting your badges ripped off. I think what has gone through every one's mind is the time less phrase that adds insult to injury, rather then help teach a lesson: "you should have known better".

I'm a fighter. I always have been. But now, I cant fight. I wont. I wont be persuaded otherwise. The One who Lies is eyeballing me now. He sees me. He sees and has seen what Ive done. I picture him in my mind standing in the shadows cracking a smile, in a egotistical (and dare I say "Douche bag") sort of way. He's seen this too many times before. He thinks he knows whats going to happen now. Well, I have news for him, news he isn't going to like.

I'm a fighter.

This is a battle he wont win again...

June 13, 1945 - Florence, Italy

1.38pm.
North Wind ~ 9-8 Knots
Temp: 61F


The chill of a northern front makes it feel like home. Ambrosini had to be sent to the Medical tents. Trench foot, head cold, and maybe even constipation. He should be right in about a week. Its gonna be tough without his presence. His jocularity eases everyone. Even in battle, he manages to make us chuckle. I received word through my brother on the south front that my wife had our son without a single complication. He's doing well and already has my energy. I can tell he's going to be strong like me and his grandfather. Chanto has a great idea of starting a printery in his hometown. As it is, Ive never been to Milan, but seeing to it that as of right now, its one of the few untouched towns, we may make the trip, my family and I.

In two days time, our orders are to parachute in to a DMZ rally point. There we meet up with the Germans, and hopefully block off the Americans and the Canadians. America. I would love to see that country. When all this is done I would like to see and smell and even taste the "Land of Opportunity". For now though, I can only day dream in between the football matches in the brush with the other infantrymen.


~


Yesterday was a good day, but also a terrible day. When you get caught up in good times, it feels like a stack of bricks coming down on you when you snap back into reality. I didn't sleep much last night. Roughly 3 hours. All I could do was think. I couldn't turn my mind off. I was awake while the world was asleep. I'm gonna be one lonely Latino...


"So."
"Yea?"
"Nothing."
"Sure?"
"Yea."
"...I love you too."

June 13, 1945 - London, England

2.19pm.
No Wind
Temp: 83F


Mirko made mention of how the days feel like they're getting longer and not shorter. Its close to summer now, which only leads me to believe that Mirko's not a very bright man. I got close to death again. My gun jammed on me right in the middle of a firefight. Maybe its the slop and sausage Ive been eating, but I no longer feel the excitement of warfare. As it is, I was in the .1 percentile of people who actually enjoyed defending this country. Now, I don't care anymore. I miss my pub. I miss my hound. I miss Rachel. Oh how I miss Rachel. The way she would sing to me, while I held her. Everything. I miss it all.

Tomorrow we start a new reconnaissance route. Intel says its legit, but really, intel can kiss my union jack hide for all I care. I wish for a few hours I could grab a pint and some chips. Anxious for no reason at all now. I wonder if someone out there could give me an honorable death. End this all. Heaven awaits, friend.

~

Days feel few and far in between. I'm trying to make what feels like the last days the best ones. So that way, if I get the boot, at least I can have some good last memories to keep the loneliness at bay. I had lunch with a good friend today. Correction: best friend. We had some good laughs, some serious talk, and then the infamous "5 minute hug". I explained everything, and everything was understood. I was afraid to mention it at all because the reaction that usually ensues is a disappointing one. Contrary to that, I got the opposite.

"...No one on this earth is perfect. We all make mistakes. We all do. But, you have to capitalize on those mistakes. Did you learn your lesson? Of course you did. Now we both know that its best to expect the worse. Lets say the worse is what your dealt. Learn from it. You're an incredible guy. This will only make you more incredible. You'll make it out. Think of it as a test. I know you. I know you better than you know yourself. And I also know you absolutely hate to lose, like you always say. I know its not in your vocabulary. But this time you have to lose to win again. Start over. Do it from the beginning. With your experience, it should be easier, but more profound for you.

"Look, like I said, I know you already. I know what you're thinking. Will I be here when you return? Of course. I'm going to be the first one to say 'Welcome back! I missed you. We have to catch up.' The same way you always tell me that I hold a permanent place in your heart, well the same goes for me. You have your spot. No one, absolutely no one will take that spot. It'll be different without you. You make up part of my life. More than you know. More then it might seem. More then I probably let you know. I don't want to sound pessimistic, but we both have to be realistic. Understand? I love you. My mom loves you. Your friends love you. After all this blows over, after the dust and smoke settle, you'll be so much stronger. So much more mature. So much more experienced. Also, you'll see that your real friends are the ones that will say 'Welcome back' instead of 'That's what you get'. 


"I really will miss you, especially now. Maybe I didn't say it enough, but you mean so much to me. You've been there since the beginning. I remember that time we first met at the asamblea and then again at the party. Instantly you were already giving me 'guy advice'. I have my friends and my best friends, but none of them look out for me like you do. Please put Jehovah first. Please. Promise me you will. I want to see you again. I want us to go to Sonic and eat ice cream after watching a movie. I want to steal your food from Olive Garden and drink your Presidente margarita when the waitress isn't looking when we go to Chili's. Just like old times ;)


"About what you told me earlier, I wont forget it. You're right, I think you do deserve a chance. But like you said yourself, first things first. As of right now, I'm going to concentrate on spiritual goals. Everything will fall into place on its own. When you come back, assuming of course the worst case scenario, then we'll talk. We'll see where we stand. Okay? I promise. I'll be here. My mom will be here. And we'll be praying for you constantly. Come back as soon as possible. If I have to, I'll keep in touch with your mom. I still have her number :P


"If you feel down, just read this over. Read it again and again and again. The pictures. Look at them. As many times as you have to. Put them up on your walls in your room like you used to (just the ones of you and me though, cause those are the best ones :P) Cling to the memories of the good times. I will.


Te Kiero Mucho, hurry back OK?
XOXO"

Quite possibly the best sending off letter I have ever received. Bittersweet it is, no? Who wants to leave after reading something like this.

Like I mentioned earlier, I was afraid to mention this. But like any true friend who has been there through thick and thin, I got a positive reaction. Time will tell.

But hey, at least my dad's not gonna kick me out of the house. Whoo!

"Look how well your hands fit in mine."
"That's cause you're my boo, Boo!"