Its always after the fact that you come up with the things you should’ve said but couldn’t think of. After you send the text, after you hang up the phone, after you walk away for the last time. You try to say everything that’s on your mind, but some you cant think of, and some you just choose not to say. Goodbyes are never easy, that’s why everyone avoids them. Its then and only then that everything you see, everything you touch and everything you do reminds you of that person. That’s when you feel empty and vacant. Doesn’t matter if its a friend, lover, family member, or someone of great importance to you. They have a special place in you and when they aren’t there, you know it and you most certainly feel it.
Yea, it stings, and its going to for some time. But everyone recovers eventually, the same way a wound heals. Sometimes with a noticeable scar, or best case, with an almost invisible mark on your skin. What do I make of this? I don’t mind a scar as long as I can take something from it, be it a lesson or a memory. As long as I know and understand why its there.
“If you love something or someone, let it go…” something like that, right? I cant remember the last part. This wasn’t a time for me to be selfish even though in the bottom of my heart I wanted to be. I didn’t want to let go. But what if holding on is hurting someone you care deeply about? This entire time I was oblivious to the fact, thinking I was providing some sort of stress relief when in reality I was unknowingly causing part of said stress. So, what would you do?
The ‘what-if’ question was never answered. It never took flight. But the possibility plays on an infinite loop in my head, which of course makes me sad since mental projections is all that’s left. Its depressing, but no where does it say ‘If you try hard enough, it WILL happen’. Its part of life. You win some, you lose some. I hate losing, but it makes you stronger over time. Unfortunately, the feeling of affection wasn’t a unanimous one. You dust yourself off, tip your hat, and start learning to walk again. So even as soon as now, the healing process begins.
One by one, the feelings of sadness will eventually fade. You say you’ll never forget, but you will. That’s how the mind works. It tries to force out the sadness and overcome it with happiness. The thing is, happiness becomes the ‘Holy Grail’ after a spell of sadness. Another guy or girl will come around, and the cycle will begin again. You say you’ll still be friends, but that’s a rare case that almost never happens. But why would you want to be friends after? So you can sit back and watch the person you felt strongly for eventually find happiness with someone that isn’t you? Its the salt in wound. The insult to injury. Once you cross that line, there’s no turning back. Foolish are those who cross that line recklessly. But, to be honest, you made me feel untouchable. Invincible. The danger. Its what I wanted. And that’s why we both kept coming back.
We cant predict or foretell the future. We cant control it. We cant change it. It happens the way it does for a reason. I would like to entertain the notion of ‘maybe after some time passes, then we can try again’, but people change with the times. Nothing is guaranteed. All it becomes after that is a lie to oneself.
“And if it comes back to you, then it was meant to be.” So they say. Time will tell.
I’m not bitter about the outcome. Bitterness can quickly consume a person and turn them against the world. I’m not upset either. Simply…sad. And that’s more then I can handle at the moment. I’m already trying to block out the image of you in someone else’s arms. Happy and enjoying life. But then again, if you’re happy and content without me in the picture, then I’ll gladly step out of the way.
Tomorrow will come, and sun will keep shining. Even though in my mind, I’ll still hold on to the thought of ‘Its not over. It cant be over. Not yet…’, I know I’ll still wake up in the morning and carry on with my routine. Maybe with a little less bounce in my step, but life will go on no matter. I’m going to miss everything about you, but we’ll both forget about it only to occasionally think back to those times when we hear a song, or a phrase. You’ll smile every time you see a car that looks like mine. I’ll laugh at a story you once told me. You’ll remember the fun we would have. I’ll remember the random things you would do. You’ll giggle at my English accent. I’ll replay when you sang to me.
For a split second, we’ll miss each other…
…and then we’ll snap out of it, get back to our lives and realize that things happen for a reason…
…but it was fun while it lasted.
I wish you the best…
Goodbye, Love.
